The New Normal

I’m sitting here thinking about the fact that it’s already November and, while it’s only been 8 months since my diagnosis, it seems like eons ago. The last 8 months have changed my life more than I think I’ll ever be able to put into words. Writing this blog has been my therapy throughout everything and I’m thinking of keeping it up, even though the nasty stuff is behind me. I’m able to say I’m cancer free now (EFF YEAH!), so I won’t have as many updates to share, but cancer will always be a part of my life. I’m sure I’ll have musings on what life is like after cancer, Lord knows it will never be exactly the same.

My last day of radiation was a couple weeks ago, and just as the last zap was finishing up, my radiation nurses came on the speaker system yelling “yaaaaaaay!” I got tears in my eyes thinking about the fact that I was done with all this shit. Six rounds of chemo, a lumpectomy, 25 rounds of radiation and, all of a sudden, it’s over. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to go in for my Herceptin treatments every three weeks until next March so that trusty port isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. But Herceptin is a walk in the park compared to everything else. It has no side effects & takes 30 minutes to administer. Yes, I have a pretty brutal regimen of hormone therapy that I’ll be on for years. It gives me hot flashes and makes my joints sore but, and I’ll say it again, I’M CANCER FREE. Even typing that out gets me choked up.

Breast cancer awareness month was last month and I was lucky enough to sit on a panel with four other breast cancer survivors at work. It happened to be on my last day of radiation so it was a pretty awesome day for me. We all shared our stories and every single one of them was different than the next. One woman was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer when she was 8 months pregnant with her daughter. Her treatment was brutal but that was 7 years ago and she’s been cancer free since. Another had a preventative double mastectomy because she’s BRCA positive and has no woman in her family alive over the age of 45 because of breast cancer. The third was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer and it spread to her spine, crushing some of her vertebrae. She was given a 3% chance of survival and is now in remission. She’s coming back to work in a couple months, after being out for almost 2 years.  And the fourth is my friend Robin who was diagnosed with cancer in one breast one year, the other the next year & then thyroid cancer after that. She’s now cancer free, as well.

It was so amazing to hear how very different all our stories are. Some had family history while others had none. It really made me realize that breast cancer does not discriminate. The scary thing is that every woman on that panel was younger than 50. When did breast cancer start showing up in women who are so young? It’s a raging epidemic but the good thing is that it’s one of the most researched and studied types of cancer. I met a girl in the radiation waiting room who couldn’t have been over 30 years old. She was diagnosed with Sarcoma, a really rare form of cancer, and she told me she’s jealous of people who have breast cancer. I never thought that someone could be jealous of my cancer but it makes sense. There was a clear path for my treatment from the beginning. She flew to NYC to have her surgery at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center because that’s where a specialist was. Her path isn’t as clear and I could tell she was scared. I wish I had gotten her info so we could stay in touch. Hearing her story made me grateful for breast cancer. Those are words I never thought I’d say. “I’m grateful for my breast cancer.”

I recently went back and read my blog from beginning to end and I feel like the person who started this journey is different than the person I am today. At the core, I’m still the same Ali. That hasn’t changed. But I’ve come to see the world through a different lens. I think about the future differently now, which is actually kind of exciting. I’m motivated to do something more with my life and I’m not sure exactly what that means yet. A different career path? Volunteering my time at a cancer clinic? Raising money for research? Maybe all of these? I’ve got a “new normal” for my day to day now and I have cancer to thank for that.

Thanks, cancer! You’ve made me a better person and, if I do say so myself, a total badass.

Xo,

Ali