This Is Life

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. My last post was in March 2016 and my port had just been removed. That seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time. There have been so many days when I’ve thought to myself, “that would make a great blog post” but by the time I got home, the motivation was gone and I’d just watch Scandal instead.

I just got back from a weekend retreat in the north bay called “This Is Life,” where I spent 48 hours with young adult cancer survivors, all of whom were total strangers to me when I arrived. It was put on by Project Koru, the same organization that did the surf camp I went to in Maui in April 2016. They’re doing amazing things for the young adult cancer community, and if you’re looking for somewhere to donate your hard earned dollars, they’re a worthy cause.

The weekend was broken up into several workshops, and everyone was assigned a different track based on what you indicated you were interested in in a survey that was sent out before the retreat. My schedule consisted of topics ranging from nutrition and the new normal, to late effects and tips for coping. I also had a couple gorgeous hikes added in, as well as a creative writing workshop. I met some of the most amazing people with all different types of cancer. Breast, ovarian, leukemia, brain, thyroid … all of it so present and so unfair. We laughed, cried, talked about some of our fucked up side effects, how our life is so different than it used to be, and how we have a hard time recognizing that person who looks back at us in the mirror every day.

Retreats like this are healing for my soul, and I realized I need to do this more often. I have an amazing support system in my day to day life. I couldn’t ask for a better, more loving husband, and the rest of my family and friends are the best of the best. But being around people who just get it, people who I can be completely open and vulnerable with, people who I believe when they say, “I know what you mean” is invaluable. I leave weekends like this feeling so many things … refreshed yet exhausted, joyus but on the verge of tears, terrified while being excited for what my future holds. It’s hard to explain, but the magic that happens when a bunch of young adult cancer survivors get together to share their stories is pretty fucking special.

My last session of the weekend was a creative writing class and the instructor started by handing everyone a piece of paper with an outline of a body drawn on it. She told us to color it in however we wanted - we could do designs, solid colors, stay in the lines or go crazy outside the lines. Once we were done with our coloring, we used that to inspire our first piece of writing. The prompt she gave us for that first piece was to write as if our body were telling us something, and she suggested we start off the piece with, “What I want to say to you is …”

Here’s what I wrote:

“What I want to say to you is …

I am different than before, but that doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful or worthy of love.

I am covered in scars but they’re all part of my story, a roadmap of what I’ve been through.

I am sore, and tired, and broken. But I am hopeful and resilient.

I am unique.

I am more than just cancer.

I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, an auntie, a confidant, a best friend, a terrible dancer, a lover of wine and good food, an adventure seeker, a reality tv junkie, a bit too sarcastic for my own good, really good at my job, a secret keeper, a shoulder to cry on, and most of all, a total badass.”

Xo,

Ali

Deported

It’s been ages since my last post, and telling you that I have a lot to update is a bit of an understatement. I’ll stick to the facts and try get straight to the point. Since I last wrote, I finished physical therapy, had a mammogram, my last round of Herceptin, and my port removed. 

At the end of February I had my 6 month follow up with Dr. Grissom, my surgeon, as well as my yearly mammogram. I managed to get an appointment for a mammogram the day after seeing Dr. Grissom and I wasn’t fully prepared for the anxiety that would come with it. As I sat in the waiting room and watched women come and go, I started to think about all the potential outcomes. I was texting with my sister in law, Molly, the whole time as I was waiting and she asked if I was nervous.

“Kind of," I replied.

Meanwhile, I was scared shitless. They finally called my name and I followed the technician into a room, where I apologized for the fact that it was now 3pm and I hadn’t been able to wear deodorant all day. It was warm that day, too. Use your imagination. 

“Oh, I see this all the time, don’t even worry … ok, tight squeeze.”

My left breast was still sore and they had to squeeze extra tight right on the area of my lumpectomy. Several deep breaths and it was over, and I made my way back to the waiting room to wait for my results. What felt like an eternity later, I was called back by another technician.

“The doctor wants me to get one more image from a different angle, just to be extra sure. She didn’t tell me why, just that she wanted more images of the right breast.”

“Fuck, this is it. The cancer is back on the other side and I’m going to start this all over again," I thought to myself.

Back to the waiting room I went. I sat, and sat, and sat some more when finally a nice lady called me back.

“Go ahead and take a seat.”

I must have stared at her with a blank look on my face because I didn’t move an inch toward the chair. My heart was pounding and my hands were starting to shake.

“Please take a seat.”

I think I squeaked out a feeble “ok”, as I sat in the chair.

“Before I give you the good news …”

SHE HAS GOOD NEWS! Hallelujah! She went on to tell me that the reason the doctor asked for another angle of images is because I have very dense breast tissue and it helps them see everything more clearly. Everything looked normal and I can go back next February! I will still have to get an MRI every August, as well, which I’m sure will be just as nerve wracking, but I’ll deal with it when the time comes. Right now, I’m celebrating my healthy boobs!

A couple weeks after my mammogram I had my last round of Herceptin. It was a bittersweet moment. I was elated to be done with this part of my treatment, but also struggling to imagine my life without it. It had been a constant for the past year, a steady stream of modern medicine that helped me kick this cancer. What now? As they unhooked the meds from my port for the last time, I gave Dr. Jeske a hug and made an appointment to see her in three months. Was that it? Am I seriously done? Yep, sure am.

With the end of my Herceptin treatments also came the removal of my port. Last Thursday Dr. Grissom did the honors and took that sucker out. Again, it was bittersweet. Am I glad to have this thing out of my chest? Absolutely! I’d forgotten what my chest looked like without the bulge of my port. But it was a part of me and I still find myself touching the spot where the tube extended up to my collarbone. It’s not there anymore but the habit of feeling for it is going to be a hard one to break. I feel vulnerable without it in. It’s like my port was my superhero badge and with it, I could beat anything. At least I still have the cool scar. I can’t tell you how many people have told me, “You must feel so relieved to have it gone.” While that’s one emotion I absolutely feel, fear is right there with it.

I officially move into the survivorship phase of this journey now and navigating those waters is interesting. Most of the time, it’s daily life as normal. I don’t think about cancer all the time and sometimes, it seems like it was all a crazy dream. But there are days that are hard and when that happens, I let myself cry but I never dwell on it. I try remind myself that I’m lucky. So incredibly lucky. I’m a survivor now and it’s a title I earned. In a couple weeks I’m headed to Maui by myself to attend a surf camp with other young adult cancer survivors. I’m excited for the week and can’t wait for this experience! I don’t remember the last time I was in a bathing suit, but I’ll wear it proudly, with a lot of very high SPF.

xo,

Ali

Eff you, Cancer

The past week has been weird. That’s the only way I can think to describe it. I was feeling emotional, like I really needed a good cry, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was listening to a lot of Adele (not totally abnormal), not focusing well, and generally just feeling down in the dumps.

I woke up on Thursday morning to the news that Alan Rickman had passed away. As I read the article posted by E! Online, I cried. Many of you know that I’m a Harry Potter fan. Like, a really big fan. My wedding ceremony was written in a Harry Potter book and I have a wand sitting on my mantle … it’s safe to say that HP is my boy. So, not only was I crying because the man I knew as Professor Snape was gone, I was crying because fucking cancer took another life. Earlier in the week it was David Bowie and since then Celine Dion has lost her husband and brother to the damn disease.

You can’t turn on the news or read an article these days without hearing about someone losing a battle with cancer. It’s a tough competitor and often times it wins. When I was first diagnosed I felt like I was constantly hearing about someone dying from cancer. It’s a punch in the gut when you’re in the middle of treatments to save your life from something that just took someone else’s. But I had to remind myself that people die every day from things other than cancer, too.  That doesn’t mean we live in fear of those things, we just keep living our life to the fullest.

Every day that I wake up, I realize that I got lucky. I’m not saying it was easy but damn, did I get lucky. I got lucky that we caught it early, that it was so treatable, that I live in an amazing city with great doctors, that I have incredible health insurance, and the list goes on and on.

The past week was also the week that Matt, Carrie & I formed our team “Three’s Company” for the AVON 39 Walk to End Breast Cancer. The walk is July 23-24 and is 39 miles total. We’ve started fundraising and are off to an amazing start! I’ve also started walking to work some days to begin the training process and when my knees start to hurt or my back aches, I tell myself, “Remember when you had cancer? This is easy. Keep walking.”

Here’s to everyone fighting the fight!

Xo,

Ali

Detox: Part 1

I started my chemo & radiation detox this month and I know I'll have a lot to say about it once it's done, at the end of January. Until then, I'll leave you with this nugget of pure joy from my friend, Carrie, who's also doing the detox with me. Shout out to her for hilariously documenting what it's been like thus far. And thanks to Kathleen, Bianna, and Robin for joining in on the fun, too! That wine is going to taste so good in February, ladies. Stay strong! 

xo,

Ali 

Dear Friend

I recently learned that a friend of a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer at 37 years old. She and I have been texting back and forth for weeks now & she has her first round of chemo on Tuesday. Below is the email I sent to her, to prepare her for craziness that is chemo. It seems like ages ago that I was in the thick of all my treatments. As I sat and wrote this email I had to dig deep to remember what it was all like. I re-read some of my blog posts and would think, "OH YEAH! I forgot about that!" Don't get me wrong, some of it I remember like it was yesterday. But when I read about how utterly horrible I felt some days, I can't quite wrap my head around that anymore. Your brain has a way of helping you forget the really bad stuff. Anywho, here's what I wrote. I hope you're not grossed out by poop talk. If you are, don't say I didn't warn you. :) 

Hey Friend,

I'll try to keep this as concise as possible but I talk a lot, so this email will probably get long. Sorry in advance :) 

Here's a list of things that I think would be great to have on hand as you go through chemo. You may never need to use some of them, but it's better to have them, just in case. Everyone's body reacts differently to chemo, so it's hard to say what side effects will be the worst for you. My friend had a really sensitive stomach so she needed the anti diarrhea meds on hand at all times. One thing you'll learn really quickly is that all modesty goes out the door. Get ready to talk to your doctor about EVERYTHING that's going on with your body. You will experience some bizarre shit but keep reminding yourself that it's all temporary and, at the end of this, you'll be cancer free! Also, there are meds to help with every side effect! You shouldn't have to feel miserable all the time ... embrace the meds and take the when you need them. Ok, here we go:

1. My mouth and inside of my nose got really sore after my first couple rounds. I didn't have any actual sores in my mouth but it just hurt. I had to be really gentle when I brushed my teeth and I also got cracks in the corners of my mouth. Biotene helps a ton with the sore mouth! Use it often! Also, get some medicated lip balm to use in case your lips get sore like mine did. I slathered that stuff on every night before bed and it really helped a lot. For my nose, I used a saline spray and it did help a bit. I only got the sore mouth after my first two rounds and the sore nose was probably 3 or 4 rounds. 

2. Anti diarrhea pills and also something to help you poop if you get constipated. Chemo is a bitch on your digestion & you will likely experience both of these problems at some point. This is also something that your acupuncturist can work on! There were days when I couldn't get to the toilet fast enough (sorry if that's TMI) and then there were times when I wouldn't poop for 3 days. Smooth move tea really helps when you're constipated. Just make sure you're near a toilet 4-8 hours later because you're going to need it :) When I would drink it, it would take about 5 hours to kick in. It works well and I didn't really get any cramping with it. You'll notice that certain types of food will not sit well so just be mindful of eating anything too heavy. This was such a problem with me because I never lost my appetite the entire time I went through chemo. If anything, I was hungrier than normal! I wanted to eat everything and then I'd pay for it 30 minutes later when I was stuck on the toilet. Again, sorry for the TMI. Taking a good quality probiotic will help this, as well!

3. Ginger everything! There's a recipe for a great ginger syrup in The Cancer Fighting Kitchen cookbook that you got. Make that and mix it with sparkling water to bring with you to chemo. A friend of mine also bought me some ginger hard candies to suck on & those were awesome. I was lucky and didn't get any nausea (you'll get plenty of anti nausea meds to take & some via IV the day of your treatment) but the ginger was still just really soothing to me. When I had the sore mouth, it was a little too spicy & the sparkling water didn't really agree with me either, so just see how you feel. 

4. Something for heartburn. For about 7-10 days after a round of chemo, I would feel on the verge of getting heartburn when I would eat certain things. It never got really bad but just have something on hand, just in case. 

5. The biggest and most annoying side effect for me was a rash I would get on my face and hands about 7-10 days after each round of chemo. It would just suddenly appear and would last about 4 days. Get some good, thick hand cream to use. It won't make the rash go away, but it will help relieve some of the soreness. I tried a few different facial products to help with the rash on my face. It looks like horrible acne but it's not, and you shouldn't use acne products on it. This face serum is amazing! It's so soft and feels great on your skin. I also loved this cleanser. It's really gentle and natural. You might not get the rash, so wait it out and see how your skin reacts. Some people don't get it at all! 

You'll get fatigued as your treatments compound but try to stay as active as possible! Other things may creep up as you go through your treatments but no use talking about EVERYTHING right now. Keep in mind that this is temporary & you will get through this. I know it's hard to imagine being on the other side right now, but you'll get there sooner than you think. 

You got this, girl!

xo,

Ali 

The New Normal

I’m sitting here thinking about the fact that it’s already November and, while it’s only been 8 months since my diagnosis, it seems like eons ago. The last 8 months have changed my life more than I think I’ll ever be able to put into words. Writing this blog has been my therapy throughout everything and I’m thinking of keeping it up, even though the nasty stuff is behind me. I’m able to say I’m cancer free now (EFF YEAH!), so I won’t have as many updates to share, but cancer will always be a part of my life. I’m sure I’ll have musings on what life is like after cancer, Lord knows it will never be exactly the same.

My last day of radiation was a couple weeks ago, and just as the last zap was finishing up, my radiation nurses came on the speaker system yelling “yaaaaaaay!” I got tears in my eyes thinking about the fact that I was done with all this shit. Six rounds of chemo, a lumpectomy, 25 rounds of radiation and, all of a sudden, it’s over. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to go in for my Herceptin treatments every three weeks until next March so that trusty port isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. But Herceptin is a walk in the park compared to everything else. It has no side effects & takes 30 minutes to administer. Yes, I have a pretty brutal regimen of hormone therapy that I’ll be on for years. It gives me hot flashes and makes my joints sore but, and I’ll say it again, I’M CANCER FREE. Even typing that out gets me choked up.

Breast cancer awareness month was last month and I was lucky enough to sit on a panel with four other breast cancer survivors at work. It happened to be on my last day of radiation so it was a pretty awesome day for me. We all shared our stories and every single one of them was different than the next. One woman was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer when she was 8 months pregnant with her daughter. Her treatment was brutal but that was 7 years ago and she’s been cancer free since. Another had a preventative double mastectomy because she’s BRCA positive and has no woman in her family alive over the age of 45 because of breast cancer. The third was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer and it spread to her spine, crushing some of her vertebrae. She was given a 3% chance of survival and is now in remission. She’s coming back to work in a couple months, after being out for almost 2 years.  And the fourth is my friend Robin who was diagnosed with cancer in one breast one year, the other the next year & then thyroid cancer after that. She’s now cancer free, as well.

It was so amazing to hear how very different all our stories are. Some had family history while others had none. It really made me realize that breast cancer does not discriminate. The scary thing is that every woman on that panel was younger than 50. When did breast cancer start showing up in women who are so young? It’s a raging epidemic but the good thing is that it’s one of the most researched and studied types of cancer. I met a girl in the radiation waiting room who couldn’t have been over 30 years old. She was diagnosed with Sarcoma, a really rare form of cancer, and she told me she’s jealous of people who have breast cancer. I never thought that someone could be jealous of my cancer but it makes sense. There was a clear path for my treatment from the beginning. She flew to NYC to have her surgery at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center because that’s where a specialist was. Her path isn’t as clear and I could tell she was scared. I wish I had gotten her info so we could stay in touch. Hearing her story made me grateful for breast cancer. Those are words I never thought I’d say. “I’m grateful for my breast cancer.”

I recently went back and read my blog from beginning to end and I feel like the person who started this journey is different than the person I am today. At the core, I’m still the same Ali. That hasn’t changed. But I’ve come to see the world through a different lens. I think about the future differently now, which is actually kind of exciting. I’m motivated to do something more with my life and I’m not sure exactly what that means yet. A different career path? Volunteering my time at a cancer clinic? Raising money for research? Maybe all of these? I’ve got a “new normal” for my day to day now and I have cancer to thank for that.

Thanks, cancer! You’ve made me a better person and, if I do say so myself, a total badass.

Xo,

Ali 

It's Cool

You know the saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun”? Well, there should be another saying that goes, “Time flies when you’re getting radiation.” I can’t believe it’s been a month since my last post! The past month has gone by so quickly and for that, I am grateful. I can’t believe I only have 7 more sessions of radiation to go.

In my last post, I mentioned that my last day of radiation would be Friday, 10/16 but that’s no longer the case. The first two weeks of radiation I only ended up getting four treatments, which means those last two treatments get tacked on at the end. My new final day of radiation is Tuesday, 10/20. So close!

All in all, radiation is not too bad. The firs few weeks were a piece of cake. The actual sessions last about 5 minutes once the machine gets going, and I’m in the treatment room for maybe 10 minutes total. I go every morning at 8am and I’m at work by around 8:45am. The most annoying thing about it is having to go Monday-Friday. I’ve gotten to know my radiation nurses really well and they’re all very sweet. The whole process of radiation is pretty interesting & very different than chemo. I lay on a table (topless of course) while the nurses stare at my tattoos and make sure they’re lined up straight with these green beams of light coming from the ceiling. There is one nurse on each side of the table and when one of them needs me to move even 1mm to the right or left, they’ll grab the sheet under me and barely tug on it to move my body exactly how they need to. My job is to just lie there and be still. Once I’m lined up perfectly, they leave the room, turn on some classical music, and the machine gets going. It moves to 4 different locations and zaps. Some are short zaps while others are longer. It’s totally painless and sounds like dial up internet. Seriously, that’s the best way I can describe the noise the machine makes.

I see Dr. Fowble every Tuesday so she can do a skin check and make sure everything is going well. She provides me with the creams I’m supposed to put on twice a day. Right now I’m using calendula cream & it’s really nice. I’m not in a ton of pain yet, just a little bit here and there, but my skin is definitely pink and very itchy. It basically looks like I have a sunburn on my chest in a perfect square over my left breast. Also, I’m not allowed to shave my left armpit so there’s that. Today was the first day where I really felt more tired than normal and I guess I can expect that fatigue to stick around for the next couple weeks. Thankfully it’s nothing compared to chemo.

I’m getting a lot more hair growth on my head and I leave the house without a scarf or hat fairly often these days. It’s growing pretty quickly and I can’t wait until it’s all filled in! I was really worried people would stare but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The only person to ask me about my hair was a little kid who said, “Why did you cut your hair so short?” to which I answered, “Oh I dunno, I just felt like it. What do you think?” He responded with, “It’s cool.” He was so nonchalant with how he said it, I couldn’t help but smile.

Next steps with Dr. Fowble are TBD, I’m honestly not sure if I’ll have to keep seeing her once I’m done with radiation. I think Dr. Jeske will likely be my main gal from here on out. I’ll continue to see her every three weeks while I’m getting my Herceptin, until next March or April. Oh, how nice it will be to only have to go in every three weeks, instead of every day. Almost there!

Xo,

Ali 

No Deep Breaths!

I did it again. I let way too much time pass between posts and now I have a lot to say. I’ll try to keep this short(ish). :) After my last post I had my first appointment with my radiation oncologist, Barbara Fowble. She came highly recommended from both my friend Robin, who was her patient during her first bout with breast cancer, as well as Dr. Jeske. Dr. Fowble is at UCSF and if you’ve kept up with my blog from the beginning, you may remember that UCSF was not on my good side for quite some time. But Dr. Fowble is different, she’s amazing.

During my first appointment I met her, her RN, and a resident who shadows her all day. UCSF is a teaching hospital and when they asked me if the resident could take part in the exam, I told them, “Absolutely. I know how this works, I watch a lot of Grey’s Anatomy.” That first appointment was pretty standard. We talked about how my chemo went, how I was recovering from surgery and what to expect from radiation. The list of side effects from radiation is short when compared to chemo. I might experience a little fatigue but mostly, I’ll just have to deal with redness & pain on the left side of my chest. The schedule for radiation is very different than chemo, too. I had 6 chemo treatments total, one every three weeks. Radiation will take place 5 days a week for 5 weeks. I’m going to get to know that radiation oncology department at UCSF very well!

The good thing about the radiation appointments is that they’re very quick! The actual treatment takes about 5-10 minutes and I’ll be able to pop in before work each day to get it out of the way. I’ll walk in, scan my card, go change into a gown and wait for the nurse, get my radiation on, and then I’m off.

I had my planning appointment last week where they did all the measurements for the machine and gave me my gorgeous radiation tattoos. I lovingly refer to them as my "prison tattoos". The tattoos are tiny dots … one on each side of my rib cage (to line me up straight on the table), one right in the middle of my breast bone and then four around my left breast. Because my skin is so light, they look like tiny blackheads on my chest. Attractive!

The first portion of the planning appointment only took about 20 minutes but it felt like so much longer. I was topless (of course) and had to lay completely still on the table, arms up over my head and was not allowed to take deep breaths. The tech, Vincent, said the measurements he was taking had to be very precise and every time I took a deep breath, my chest would move. Not exactly ideal when he’s taking measurements for radiation directed straight at my chest! I was instructed that I needed to only take shallow breaths, which obviously made me feel like I needed to take deep breaths even more. Vincent kept saying very sternly, “No deep breaths!”

The second part of my planning appointment was to get a scan of my chest so Dr. Fowble could see exactly where my lungs and heart are located. She’ll have to plan the radiation so that it hits the spot where the tumor was but isn’t aimed at my heart or lungs. The planning is so precise that she’ll be able to get it within a millimeter of where it needs to be. My first radiation appointment is next Monday, September 14 and, if I can count correctly, that means my last appointment will be Friday, October 16. Here we go!

I’ve continued on with my Herceptin treatments every three weeks with Dr. Jeske and have also started my hormone therapy. I’m still getting the Lupron shots every four weeks to suppress my ovaries and have also added in an aromatase inhibitor called Arimidex. My body is in chemically induced menopause. I haven’t had to deal with many hot flashes but I do get really hot when I sleep. I wake up with a sweaty head most nights. You don’t realize how much your head sweats until you don’t have any hair. We always have to sleep with the fan on now and I’m constantly kicking the sheets off.  Once I wake up in the middle of the night, it can be hard for me to fall back asleep. This has been the worst side effect of the hormone therapy. I’ve had other minor side effects but nothing major and certainly nothing that is getting in the way of my daily life.

I’ll be sure to continue the updates once I’ve started radiation. I’ve been told that the first few weeks don’t really have any side effects and that the pain doesn’t really start until the last couple weeks. Time will tell. I think my next blog post will be an “FAQ” … if you have any questions you want answered, send them my way! I’m pretty much an open book so nothing is off limits.

Xo,

Ali 

The lump has left the building

I’m writing this blog post while sitting at a restaurant bar, sipping on some rose at 2pm on a Tuesday. Being on leave from work is pretty great :) I’m making cancer sound fun, aren’t I? Let’s go back a couple weeks and talk about why I’m on leave … this will be a better description of my reality.

I finished my last round of chemo on Wednesday, July 8 and the next step in my treatment was surgery. I’ve talked about this in previous posts so many of you know that I had my lumpectomy on Thursday, August 6. My doctor prescribed two weeks of time off work after surgery so here I am with nothing to do in the middle of the day on a Tuesday afternoon. The downtime has been amazing and it’s given me time to recharge and reflect on everything that I’ve been through over the past several months.

All in all, surgery was not too bad. It was the first semi major surgery I’ve ever had so I was a bit anxious the morning of as Matt and I drove to the hospital. It was an outpatient surgery which meant I got to go home the same day. We got to the hospital at 6am and surgery was scheduled to begin at 7:30am. The nice thing about being the first surgery of the day is that they tend to start on time. The anesthesiologist came in to talk about the combo of drugs he would be giving me and then my surgeon came to check in before I headed into the OR.

As I walked into the OR, the following conversation happened between the anesthesiologist and myself:

Him: Welcome to my spa!

Me: This doesn’t look like any spa I’ve ever been to.

Him: Well, you’re just in time for happy hour so it’s your lucky day!

Me: This also doesn’t look like any happy hour I’ve ever been to.

Him: Trust me, this will be the best happy hour you’ve ever experienced.

I got settled on the table at this point and he started talking again.

Him: So, where are you going to go in your dreams today?

Me: I think I’ll go to Thailand, it’s where my husband and I went on our honeymoon.

Him: Oh, Thailand is gorgeous … those beaches are amazing. Ok, here comes the good stuff.

Me: Is this going to just make me a little sleepy or is this the stuff that’s going to knock me out.

Him: Well, when I was getting my degree at that online school, they told me this would knock you out. Fingers crossed.

Whole operating room starts laughing

Me: Is this really a time to be making jokes with me? Oh yeah, I’m getting dizzy. ZZZZZ

And the next thing I remember, I’m opening my eyes to see my mom and Matt sitting in the recovery room across from me.  I hung out there for a little while, until I could eat some food, speak coherently, as well as stand up and get dressed. We were headed home by around 10:30am. Apparently I told the nurses I felt like I drank four bottles of wine as I came out of surgery and I also told my mom and Matt the same story about 5 times. Those must have been some amazing drugs :P

Dr. Grissom (my surgeon) called the Monday after surgery with the pathology results. She had taken two sentinel nodes to biopsy as well as the whole tumor & some surrounding tissue. Pathology confirmed that there was no cancer present in my lymph nodes at all & that all the surrounding tissue was clear! This was the news we were hoping for … success! My cancer is stage 2, simply because of the size of the tumor, not because any had spread to the nodes. She called it a, “less exciting stage 2.” I’m ok with that, the less exciting the better! The cancer was slow growing, which we already knew and the chemo had shrunk the tumor by about half.

My recovery has been fairly easy, easier than I expected it to be. I had a huge ace bandage wrapped around my chest when I came out of surgery that I had to keep on for 48 hours but now I’m just stuck with the steri strips over the incisions. I’m still sore but the pain was never terrible. I’ve had headaches that hurt worse. The most annoying part about all this is that, for the most part, I feel great! Then I try walking up a hill or just walking too far and I’m reminded that my energy sure isn’t what it used to be. My iron is still pretty low and until those levels get back to normal, my fatigue will be a persistent nag. Dr. Jeske told me it will likely take a few months to get to that point.

It’s now Wednesday afternoon and I just got done with my post op appointment with Dr. Grissom as well as a Herceptin treatment with Dr. Jeske. My incision is healing nicely and I don’t have to see Dr. Grissom for another 6 months. Hooray! I’ll have check up appts with her every 6 months for a few years as well as yearly mammograms & breast MRIs. The mammograms and MRIs will offset each other so that I’ll have one of those done every 6 months. We’re keeping a close eye on these boobs!

Dr. Jeske and I talked about next steps for my hormone therapy and have decided that I’ll stay on the Lupron and add in an aromatase inhibitor. It’s shown to be a very effective hormone therapy for my type of cancer so here goes nothing. I was hoping to get off of the Lupron soon because the side effects aren’t exactly a party, but if this is going to be the best option to make sure this cancer doesn’t come back, I’ll deal with the hot flashes and night sweats. Basically, these meds put me in menopause. At the ripe age of 33.

Because I’m in menopause, this also means my bones can become more brittle. Oh, yippee! I’m in the process of making an appointment to get a bone density test done so my doctors can have a baseline to compare future tests with. I have to add in calcium and vitamin D to my list of supplements and Dr. Jeske assured me there are calcium supplements that taste like candy. Silver lining!

I’m meeting with my radiation oncologist in about an hour and it will be really nice to have next steps in place for radiation. As far as I know, radiation will be about 6 weeks total and I’ll have the treatments done every day, Monday-Friday. I’m going to get to know the people in that office VERY well. The appointments don’t take nearly as long as chemo and the side effects should pale in comparison. There will probably be some pain toward the end and I’ve been told it feels like the very worst sunburn you’ve ever had. I’ll update with more info as soon as I meet with Dr. Fowble this afternoon. Matt is coming with me to be my trusty note taker again. He’s been the absolute best ever through all this.

Sorry for the long post, I guess I had a lot to say! Will write again soon.

Xo,

Al 

Round six & the joys of chemo

Wow, I feel like it’s been forever since my last post and I guess that’s because it has! I posted the link to my blog on Facebook and then proceeded to not update it for almost a month. Whoopsies! But here I am, back and ready to write.

My last round of chemo was almost three weeks ago … can I get a, “HELL YEAH!”? It feels so good to say that chemo is over! Obviously my treatment is not done but the super crappy part is and that is pretty awesome. The last round was kind of more of the same, nothing really new and crazy happened. My mother & father in law and Matt all came to keep me company. We colored, listened to music and hung around, listening to my bag of meds beep when it got empty. Sounds like a party, right? 

Not too long after I got settled in for the day one of the nurses came running into my room yelling, “YAAAAAY!” as she placed a gold medal with the word “Winner” on it around my neck. I wore that medal all day and didn’t take it off until I got ready for bed that night. I earned that gold medal, damn it! It will be something cool to look at and think about everything I accomplished over the past few months. Chemo, you’re an asshole and I seriously dislike you and all your bizarre side effects. The rest of this post will be dedicated to all the weird, weird stuff that happened to my body as I went through chemo. Get ready for a glimpse into my life over the past four months.

First, let me start by saying that chemo is not what it looks like on TV. At least it wasn’t for me. I never once threw up or felt nauseated. I’ll tell you what did happen, I got a horrible rash on my face. Rash on my face! It happened after every single round, except the last. About 10 days after my chemo treatment, I would wake up looking like a 15 year old with acne. My face was red, dry & peeling and I had tiny white heads on my forehead and chin. It would last about 4 days and then just disappear. I have Taxotere to thank for that one!

Because the face rash wasn’t awesome enough, I also managed to get an infected eye lash follicle. You guys remember Sloth from “The Goonies”? Yep, that was me. Face rash + infected eye lash follicle = “Heeeey, you guuuuys!” I can laugh about it now but, at the time, I was miserable. My eye was extremely swollen, hurt so bad & my vision was all blurry. I couldn’t wear my contacts or eye make up and I just felt hideous.

So we’ve covered the face rash and infected lash follicle, let’s talk about my nails. I think it was after round four when I first started getting sore nails. Ladies, did you ever have acrylic nails put on? You know how they file down your nails and drill on them and later that day or the next, your nails are really sore? That’s exactly what this felt like. Turns out some people who get this type of chemo experience sore nails and, for the lucky ones, some of the nails actually fall off. So far all my nails are still holding strong but they hurt. When I took my nail polish off today, I was taken aback by what some of them look like. I’m pretty sure some of these suckers are going to throw in the towel soon. Whether they fall off completely or just break off really short, only time will tell. I’m extremely thankful for dark nail polish right now.

Ok, here are a couple good side effects. No hair! You just don’t lose it on your head. I haven’t had to shave my legs or arm pits for months. It has been so awesome! Also, no BO. For reals, I don’t smell at all. I use hippie, natural deodorant that really doesn’t always work super well. I end up smelling like a bum at the end of the day sometimes but ever since I started chemo, I have not had one ounce of body odor. I have no idea why that happens but I’m not questioning it.

My taste buds also decided to take a break. for about 10 days after a treatment. I never got the metallic taste in my mouth but some things just didn’t taste as good as they used to. I felt like I needed to add salt to most things & if something was even remotely spicy, it tasted like ghost pepper to me. Wine didn’t even really taste good all the time :( That’s when you know things are bad.

So there you have it. There are other things I didn’t mention but I’ll spare you the details. It has been quite an experience! My doctor said my hair would start growing back about a month after my last treatment. Guess I should get my razor back out because I’m sure my leg hair will make an appearance pretty soon. The good news is that of all the bad side effects that I experienced, the only things still hanging around are the icky nails and fatigue. Dr. Jekse said that it could take a few months for my energy to get back to normal so I’ll patiently wait.

I have surgery scheduled for Thursday, August 6 and will be off work for a couple weeks after to recover. If anyone has any must watch TV shows or movies, I’m open to all suggestions! After pathology comes back from surgery, I’ll meet with a radiation oncologist to talk about my schedule for that. Radiation is typically 5 days a week for 4-6 weeks. I’ll provide more details as I get them & I’ll try not to let a month go by between posts again!

Xo,

Ali 

Rounding the corner

It’s Sunday night, I’m sitting here on my couch & I’m so tired. And, I’m thankful that I’m tired. I sound like a crazy person saying that but here’s why I’m thankful for being tired right now. I just got back from a bachelorette party in Southern California that I’ve been looking forward to for months. I’m beyond thankful that I felt good enough to go & celebrate with one of my very best friends.  I’m not tired from my chemo right now, I’m tired because I just spent the last couple of days staying up late, laughing so hard I cried, tasting wine & making amazing memories. I don’t use the word blessed on a regular basis … in fact, #blessed on Instagram pictures usually annoys me but damn it, I am one blessed gal. Lauren, I can’t wait to celebrate even more at your wedding in August!

Had you told me last Monday that I would have felt even remotely good enough to fly down to SoCal Thursday night, I would have laughed in your face. I had treatment #5 on Wednesday, June 17 and my friend Sarah flew in from Albuquerque to visit that weekend. We spent all weekend in our PJs, watching HGTV & eating whatever food Matt decided to whip up for us. I was tired but felt pretty good otherwise. Then Monday morning rolled around. I woke up and immediately knew it was not going to be a good day. I got in the shower and had to sit down at one point because just standing there was difficult. I drove to work and contemplated pulling over on the side of the road a couple times because I was pretty sure I shouldn’t have been driving. I almost felt drunk. I was dizzy, my head hurt, my body was so heavy & I was so, so tired. I feel confident saying it was probably the worst I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I lasted a few hours at work and came home to work the rest of the day on my couch. I cursed chemo that day and was worried that I would continue to feel horrible for the remainder of the week. Tuesday was a little better & I worked from home the entire day. Then something beautiful happened and I woke up on Wednesday morning and felt totally back to normal! If there’s one thing I’ve learned about chemo it’s that how you feel is so a "one day at a time" kind of thing.  Ever since Wednesday, I’ve felt great!

Speaking of Wednesday … I had my appointment with the genetic counselor on Wednesday morning to get the results from my genetic testing I talked about in my last post. I was so nervous sitting in the waiting room for that appointment. What she was about to tell me could dramatically change my surgery. If I tested positive for those genetic mutations, I would likely be undergoing a double mastectomy in August. When Agnes, the genetic counselor, called me into the room I tried to read her face. Did she look like she was about to give me bad news? Did she look worried or nervous? I couldn’t tell so I sat on the couch and stared at her as she started talking. It felt like she had been talking forever when she finally said, “Well, I have some good news for you. Everything we tested for came back negative.” I’m pretty sure the people on the other side of the hospital heard the sigh of relief I let out when she said that. I don’t have any genetic mutations that make me any more susceptible to breast cancer than the rest of the population and my surgery on August 6 will just need to be a lumpectomy!

This week is a four day work week and then Mark & Sue fly in from Massachusetts on Friday. They’ll be here for my final round on July 8 (less than 2 weeks away!) and I can’t help but think about how lucky I am to have married into such an amazing family. When I told Dr. Jeske that my in laws were planning to come to my final round with me she made a face and said, “Ok, is this a good or a bad thing?” to which I immediately responded, “This is good!” I guess in laws are a touchy subject for some but I lucked out big time with mine. To have them fly all the way out from Massachusetts to be here with me as I get my final treatment is just incredible. I think this calls for another #blessed.

Round 6, I’m coming for you. You don’t stand a chance, you jerk.

Xo,

Ali 

Surgery, genetic tests & fatigue ... oh my!

Earlier this week I had a check in appointment with my breast surgeon, Dr. Grissom. She wanted to see how treatment was going, wondered how I was feeling, and asked if I had noticed a change in my tumor. My answers … treatment was going well (almost done!), I’m feeling pretty good (tired, but good!), and I think it’s getting smaller (hopefully!). She did a breast exam and immediately said there were huge improvements in how it felt. She mentioned that it felt much softer, which was a good thing. Before any treatments, the tumor was very hard & the fact that it’s feeling softer means that treatments are working. After she did a breast exam, she did an ultra sound and took measurements of the tumor.  Pre treatment, the tumor measured approximately 3cm & now it’s a little over 1cm. She said it has reduced in size by about half and I still have two treatments left which means it’s only going to get smaller! She was very pleased with the progress … yay!

After my exam we talked about surgery. It’s the next step after chemo & we currently have a lumpectomy scheduled for August 6. It’s an outpatient surgery and the procedure will take about an hour from start to finish. She’ll remove what’s left of the tumor as well as some of the surrounding tissue and also a lymph node or two.  She said recovery from surgery should be pretty easy and once I’m fully healed, I’ll start radiation.

A few weeks ago I also had genetic testing done to see if I test positive for a gene mutation that makes me more susceptible to developing breast cancer. With no gene mutations, 12% of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their life. For those with the gene mutations, it increases from 12% to 60-80%! I still don’t have the results yet but I should be getting them within the next week or two. If they come back positive, my doctor and I will have to revisit what kind of surgery I’ll have. At that point, a bilateral mastectomy is also put on the table.

My second to last treatment is on Wednesday and my brother & dad are coming with me. Dr. Jeske and the nurses who work in her office all think it’s so great that I have a rotating list of chemo guests. I can sort of see why some people would like to be alone during chemo sessions but having people with me really helps pass the time. I hope they’re both ready to color :)

Like I mentioned before, I’ve been feeling pretty good. The Sunday after my last round was definitely the worst & I had fatigue like I’ve never had before in my life. Some of my girlfriends from Bako came up to visit for the weekend and we did brunch at our place on Sunday at 11am. I woke up at 10:50am and when they left at 1pm, I was back in bed until about 5pm. You know when you’re really tired and desperately need to take a nap? And then you wake up from that nap feeling refreshed and ready to go? Yeah, it didn’t work like that. My whole body felt heavy and even the thought of walking from my bed to the bathroom sounded hard. I was worried that the fatigue had finally gotten the best of me and prepared myself for more days like this. The good news is, they didn’t come. I am more tired than normal but nothing that compares to that Sunday. Dr. Jeske did warn me that with the last two rounds I should expect to have more days like that. Instead of just one day of really bad fatigue, it might be two or three. Only time will tell! In the meantime, I’ll just keep kicking this cancer’s ass.

Xo,

Ali 

Look Good, Feel Better

Last Thursday I attended a class at the Women’s Health Resource Center at CPMC called “Look Good, Feel Better.” It’s a class for women going through cancer treatments & they teach you all about what it’s like to lose your hair, how to style scarves & hats and you walk away from the class with a whole goodie bag full of beauty products. It was pretty cool! It was definitely geared toward women who haven’t started treatments yet, or at least ones who hadn’t lost their hair yet. I felt like a total veteran!

The woman who was teaching us about wigs, scarves & hats needed a head model to practice on and she needed someone who didn’t have any hair. There was one other girl in the class with no hair and she wasn’t quick to volunteer. I stepped up to the plate and whipped off my scarf. It’s the first time I had ever taken my scarf, wig or hat off my head in public and it felt pretty good! I figured there’s no better group to show my bald head to than a bunch of women who were all about to lose their hair. It was nice for me to have them to see me like this & I hope it helped them, too.

As the class was wrapping up, I started chatting with a woman who had yet to start her treatments. She had just had her appointment with Jeanie (the wig gal!) to get her wig before her hair starts to fall out. It made me think back to before I started my treatments and how having people to talk to about the road that I was about go down was so helpful. She’s particularly worried about losing her hair so I told her that my head is now my new best accessory! Honestly, a scarf makes any outfit look fancier, it’s pretty awesome!

We exchanged email addresses and I decided to reach out to send her my blog. I know how much I love writing it and if it can be even the tiniest bit helpful to someone else, I’ve done my job.

L, if you’re reading this, remember that you WILL get through this & that this is all temporary. You will come out on the other side a stronger woman. Some days will suck (they totally will) and other days will be beautiful in the strangest ways. You’ll learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible and you will realize that you’re a total badass. We’re part of this pretty exclusive club now and only the bravest people are allowed in. Welcome!

And to Jennie, Diane, Robin & Cindy, if you’re reading this – THANK YOU! I honestly have no words to express my gratitude. You have all fought this fight (some of you more than once) and knocked cancer on its ass. It didn’t stand a chance against any of you, you incredible women! Your advice, humor, expertise, love, care packages & all around amazingness have helped me more than you’ll ever know. You answered all my silly questions and helped ease my fears without a second thought. Getting through this would have been a whole lot harder without each and every one of you. I am eternally grateful.

Round four was today! I can officially say I’m 2/3 of the way done. Only two more rounds of chemo. TWO MORE! Remember when I was 1/6 of the way done and I thought that sounded nice? 2/3 sounds way better! I had three fabulous guests for today (picture in the photo section) and having them there made the day go by so much quicker. We chatted, listened to music & colored :) Thanks for taking the day off of work to keep me company, ladies!

I’m going to acupuncture twice a week, using essential oils on a regular basis & doing my therapeutic fasting with this round, as well. I’m curious to see how my side effects are improved by all of this. I really do think acupuncture is helping. I look forward to those appointments so much, it’s 30 minutes of forced relaxation and it feels wonderful.

I’ll keep you posted!

xo,

Ali 

Baby Love

One of the first things I thought to myself when learning that I would have to undergo chemotherapy was, “Will I ever be able to have kids?” Matt and I had been married just over a year when I got my diagnosis and kids were certainly not in our plans for quite some time. It’s funny how cancer makes you totally reevaluate everything going on in your life. We were now faced with some pretty serious choices and had to make some equally as big decisions about our future.

In a previous post I mentioned the barrage of doctors appointments I had the two weeks after I got the cancer call. One of those appointments was with a fertility doctor at UCSF, Dr. Mitch Rosen. Matt and I went to the appointment together, this was obviously going to be a team decision. To freeze eggs or not? At our appointment with Dr. Rosen we learned SO much about ovaries & the female reproductive system. It was incredible to watch him talk about ovaries and how they function. He admitted very early on in our appointment that he thought they were the most fascinating organ in the human body. This man is passionate about what he does and I instantly felt at ease talking to him. He drew us pictures and explained the lifecycle of an egg to us without leaving out even a tiny detail. Did you know that women are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have while men continue to produce sperm their whole lives? It’s about 1-2 million eggs total. During each cycle your ovaries are working on anywhere from 5-15 eggs and then there’s that one that makes it to maturity in hopes of finding a sperm and getting fertilized. The rest of those that didn’t make it to maturity just die off and the process starts all over again. Ovaries are hard working little gals.

Part of my appointment consisted of getting a pelvic ultra sound to see how many potential eggs could be harvested if we chose to move down the path of cryopreservation. I could see the screen the entire time and Dr. Rosen pointed out all my potential little eggs to us. I had 11 but we rounded down to 10 just to be safe. He said this was a totally normal number for my age. If we decided to move forward with harvesting all those eggs, I was going to give myself hormone shots every day for 10 days in hopes of getting all 10 of those to mature. He rounded that number down to 8. At the end of the 10 days, Dr. Rosen would harvest all those eggs & we would choose whether or not we wanted to keep them as eggs or fertilize them and make them embryos. If we got 8 of them to mature, let’s say 5 or 6 of them are actually viable. That means I would have two shots at IVF & a 30-40% chance that one of them sticks and I end up pregnant.

Cryopreservation wasn’t the only way to preserve my fertility offered that day. We also talked about a drug called Lupron that is given once a month & essentially puts your ovaries in a medically induced coma for the duration of chemotherapy. Chemo attacks rapidly splitting cells since that’s how cancer acts. Ovaries also look like that to chemo since they’re constantly moving so it can damage them in the process of killing cancer. When Lupron puts the ovaries on pause, the chemo is less likely to permanently damage them, thus protecting future little eggs.

Matt and I walked out of that appointment with more information than we knew what to do with and we only had about 48 hours to make a decision. If we chose cryopreservation, my treatment would be delayed by about 2-3 weeks. My doctors were all ok delaying my treatment that long but only if we were seeking fertility treatments. In the end, we chose not to move forward with the cryopreservation. Something in the back of my mind just kept telling me it wasn’t the right choice for us. Matt and I sat down and weighed out all the pros & cons, this was not a decision we made lightly. I am getting the Lupron shots and there is a chance my body may never come out of this menopausal state it’s been put in. Dr. Rosen gave me an 80% chance that my periods will come back and a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant naturally after treatment. Matt and I are were ok with those odds. I’ve always liked to gamble. If you don’t like to gamble, I dare you to walk by a Wheel of Fortune slot machine in Vegas as it yells out, "WHEEL. OF. FORTUNE!" and not put $20 in it. It will draw you in and you’ll be a convert. Anyway … he did say that I will have eggs left once this is all over so if we do ever decide that we want to try IVF in the future, that would be an option.

Yes, all this will affect my fertility. Let’s say I’m 37 and we decide we want to have a baby. If a normal 37 year old has a 30% chance of being infertile, just because of her age, mine would be more like 45%. This brings up the question though … do we even want kids? Maybe? Or maybe we’ll just keep getting pets until we have enough for a whole farm! When fertility wasn’t an issue for us, I always assumed we’d have a couple rugrats at some point. But like I mentioned earlier, cancer really makes you reevaluate everything going on in your life.

Right now I’m focused on killing this tumor that has invaded my left boob. I’m doing a bang up job at it, too. I’ll give the chemo and other meds a little credit but mostly, it’s me. :) Round three was a week ago and I’m feeling ok! My side effects weren’t crazy bad this time around and I should now be moving into my two good weeks before the next treatment. Matt and I are headed to Folsom this weekend to visit Jason, Molly & Julian and to help them unpack in their new home! I can’t wait to snuggle my perfect nephew. A little dose of Julian Diebel lovin’ is exactly the medicine I need right now.

Xo,

Ali 

East Meets West

If you know me well, you know that I have a little hippie living inside me. I’ve always loved natural products and have been fascinated with the healing powers of food. I’ve tried my hand at homemade shampoo (which is amazing, btw), homemade deodorant (not as amazing), homemade toothpaste (down right gross), etc. I use coconut oil for just about anything and am convinced it will cure what ails you. It’s an incredible moisturizer for your face and body & totally tasty to use while cooking. I’m not big into taking a bunch of pills at the first sign of a headache & really try to stay as natural as possible when it comes to meds. My first batch of essential oils arrives tomorrow … but I digress :) 

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I knew I was diving head first into the world of Western medicine. Don’t get me wrong, Western medicine is amazing. Chemo is an evil bitch and the side effects are no party. There was no way I was going to try a natural cure for breast cancer. I have a bag full of prescriptions to take if I need help sleeping or am feeling sick to my stomach, but I knew my treatment plan would always have a natural side to it as well. One of the great things about Dr. Jeske is that she was super supportive of my inner hippie from the start. She has a nutritionist on staff, as well as a massage therapist who does reiki. Do I think reiki works? Meh, I don’t know. But it sure is calming after a round of chemo.

During my first chemo session I met with Sharon, the nutritionist at Dr. Jeske’s office. We sat and talked for a while about my diet and what supplements I was already taking. She liked everything I was taking & added a few more to the list. I’m the supplement queen now. You want some Curcumin? I’ve got it. Turkey tail mushrooms? No problem! Oh, how about some milk thistle? I’m your gal! All in all, I take 8 different supplements every day, my favorite of them being the turkey tail mushroom. I had never heard of turkey tail before and was first told about it by my friend Jennie, who recently went through the same exact treatment I’m going through now. Side note: Jennie just got a full clean bill of health from her doctors last week … HOORAY! Anyway, these mushrooms are amazing! I won’t go into too much detail but I will direct you to this TED talk about them: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXHDoROh2hA. He talks about turkey tail toward the end and your mind will be blown. It’s worth the 11 minutes, trust me.

Shortly after round two of chemo, I also started looking into acupuncture as another way to help with the fatigue and other side effects. I’ve had two appointments so far and I honestly can’t tell if it’s helping yet or not. It’s certainly not hurting. It’s 100% covered by my insurance, though, so I plan to keep going as much as I can. I’ll definitely report back as I have more sessions.

Last week I met with a naturopath. The same Jennie I mentioned earlier worked with a naturopath all throughout her treatment and really thought he helped her a lot. He lives in Portland so we chatted on the phone for about 90 minutes last Tuesday. I came away with a lot of information, including some documents about therapeutic fasting around chemotherapy treatments. There have been studies done that show fasting for four days around your chemo (2 days before, the day of and the day after) can greatly reduce the severity of side effects of the chemotherapy. It also starves the cancer of the glucose it thrives on so while the cancer is searching for that glucose & is in a compromised state, you hit it with the chemo and kick it while it’s down. I’m on day one of my fast and so far, it’s not too bad! I’m drinking a lot of the Magic Mineral Broth from the cookbook the Cancer Fighting Kitchen, along with a lot of water & herbal tea. The broth is really tasty and healthy and has lot of vitamins and minerals in it. The author of the cookbook refers to it as a “healing tonic.” It’s a lot of liquid throughout the day and I don’t feel that hungry. Four days of this does seem hard but if it helps the chemo be more effective and cuts back on the severity of my side effects, I’m all for it! And hey, maybe my pants won’t be as tight after the four days :) Silver linings, people!

Round 3 on Wednesday! Half way there!

Xo,

Ali

Chemo: Round 2

Last Wednesday was my second round of chemo. That means I’m 1/3 of the way done! That sounds so much better than 1/6 to me :)  This round of treatment didn’t take quite as long as the first time and I was lucky enough to have three of my best gals hang out with me the whole time.

My sis in law Molly came into town Tuesday night and spent all day Wednesday with me, as well. My appointment wasn’t until 1pm so we took the morning off of work to get our nails done, have lunch & just relax before heading to Dr. Jeske’s office. Once we got settled into my treatment room, we turned on the Bluetooth speaker & put on the chemo mix that Carrie made for me. The nurse drew blood & had to make sure everything looked good before they could begin the chemo so we didn’t actually get started until closer to 2pm. Shortly after I was all hooked up, Carrie & Juli also came to hang out and my treatment room soon became known as the party room in the office :) 

All in all, the day went well and we were out of there by about 5:15pm. Before I left, Dr. Jeske came in to do a quick check up. She asked if I had felt any changes in my breast … did the tumor feel smaller? Bigger? Same size? I honestly wasn’t sure and didn’t want to get my hopes up. The minute she felt it, she looked at me and said, “It’s smaller! I have no doubt in my mind, it is already significantly smaller!” HOORAY! Hearing her say that the treatments are already working makes going through them so much easier.

It’s Sunday night now and I’m feeling pretty good! The Sunday after my first treatment was when I really started to feel like garbage so I was preparing for the worst. The main thing I notice this time around is the fatigue. I’m definitely more tired than I was with the first round and I know that will only get worse as the treatments compound.

The past few weeks have been pretty crazy & I’ve been reminded at how incredible my friends & family are. I have gotten so many cards, emails, texts, flowers, homemade meals, tea, hats, scarves, jewelry, chemo care packages, and on and on. Seriously you guys, you’re all beyond amazing. THANK YOU! I love you all more than words can express.

Xo,

Ali (& Wanda)

A Wig Called Wanda

I picked up my wig last Thursday and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Like I mentioned in my previous post, my hair started falling out on Tuesday morning. By Wednesday, I barely had to touch it and it would come out. On Thursday, I was shocked that it still looked like I had a full head of hair. Someone could look at my hair the wrong way & it would fall out. At this point, it’s pretty patchy and I expect to look like Mr. Clean by mid next week at the latest.

I decided that Thursday night would be the night to buzz my head. Matt would be my barber & we’d just get it over with. I couldn’t stand pulling out long strands of hair any longer.  Matt got home from work that night, we ate dinner & then opened a really nice bottle of wine. We would both need a big glass for this! As I walked into the bathroom he said, “Welcome to my barber shop!” Bless him for trying to lighten the mood.  I sat down, not facing the mirror and started to cry again. I was about to shave my head! I pulled it together and we got to work. After the initial tears, we kind of had fun with it. I got a glimpse as to what I’ll look like with that pixie cut & I think I might be able to pull it off! It took about 30 mins and I came away with a freshly buzzed head. I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of awesome. It feels so soft and fuzzy and getting ready is so much easier.

I wore my wig to work for the first time on Friday & I was self conscious about it all day. I was convinced that everyone who even glanced my way was staring at my hair. I was sure they all knew it was a wig. I had Carrie on wig duty – she had to let me know if it ever got crooked or if I needed to go adjust it. I knew she wouldn't let me walk around looking like a hot mess. You need friends like that, the ones who aren’t afraid to tell you when you have food in your teeth or when your wig is crooked!

Since Matt shaved it on Thursday, I haven’t regretted it one bit. I’m embracing this part of the process and making the best out of this situation. Honestly, it’s been kind of cool. Yes, it really sucked at first and the wig is kind of a pain in the ass but it’s also been a really empowering experience. I feel pretty badass.

I decided when I got the wig that she needed a name. After tossing around a few different ones, I settled on Wanda & I think it really fits her. Wanda is a fun gal and I think we’re going to be really good friends! My next treatment is on Wednesday & Molly, my sister in law, is coming into town to join me. This one should take less time than the last one and now that we know what to expect as far as side effects go, I can prepare in advance. Pretty soon I’ll be 1/3 of the way done. Woohoo!!

xo,

Ali

It's just hair, right?

My hair started falling out today. I was getting ready for work when I ran my hands through my hair and came away with a fist full of strands. It didn't come out in giant clumps like I thought it would, it was more like I was excessively shedding. A lot. At first I thought maybe it was a one time thing, but no matter how many times I ran my fingers through my hair, strands just kept coming out. 

I stood in the bathroom, looked at my hands full of hair and I broke down. It was the first time in this whole process that I've cried hard. I stood there and sobbed and Matt just hugged me until I stopped. I've been mentally preparing for this day but it wasn't enough. I don't think there's really anything you can do to prepare yourself for the day when you start to lose your hair. I've been feeling really great lately, almost like nothing is wrong, but now I'm about to start looking like a cancer patient. The bald head is a tell tale sign & even if I feel fine, I'll look sick to those who see me without a wig. It doesn't seem fair. I guess none of this really is. 

Last Thursday I had an appointment with Jeannie, the wig gal. My mom and Carrie came with me and we picked out a really amazing looking wig. It looks just like my current hairstyle. I couldn't believe how real it looked! Most people won't even know I'm wearing a wig. I pick it up on Thursday which is pretty perfect timing. Perhaps I'll debut it on Friday. I guess it all depends on when I shave my head. Tomorrow maybe? I was blow drying my hair tonight and when I was done, I said goodbye to my hair dryer for a while. I felt like a total crazy person! 

The next couple of days will be interesting to say the least. I keep reminding myself that this is all temporary, it's just hair & it will grow back. By the end of this year, I'll be rocking that pixie cut I've always been too chicken to try!

xo,

Ali

Like a ton of bricks

It's been almost a week since my first chemo treatment and I can honestly say I'm feeling pretty alright. Had you told me I'd be saying that on Sunday when I woke up and felt like I'd been hit by a bus, I would have said you're insane. But, here I am saying it. Don't get me wrong, the side effects have kicked in and this $h!t ain't pretty but I'm alive to tell the tale. :)

Last weekend we took a trip to the central coast to celebrate my brother's birthday. We had a day of wine tasting planned, along with BBQing & just general relaxation. I was very excited for a weekend getaway. I wasn't sure when my side effects would kick in, I was sort of a sitting duck. I had terrible back pain on Friday but, for the most part, that was it. Saturday, I was tired but didn't feel horrible. Then I made the mistake of eating pizza that night and woke up with heartburn in the middle of the night. You guys, I get heartburn now. I'm like an 85 year old. Then Sunday morning rolled around & holy crap did this chemo ever show me who's boss. LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. I woke up and felt like I had the worst hangover ever. One giant chemo hangover. I seriously can't understand how people voluntarily drink enough alcohol to make themselves feel like this anymore. And believe me, I've got some experience. I was exhausted, my head hurt, my stomach was doing flips & I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a dark hole and come out when it was all gone. Instead, we got in the car & sat in traffic back to the bay area. It was the longest car ride of my life. 

Needless to say, Sunday was bad. I woke up Monday morning and dragged my sorry ass into work. And I'm glad I did! The minute I walked out of the house, I felt better. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful and it actually felt nice to be at the office. Today, I'm happy to report that I'm even better. Side effects so far: headache, fatigue, stomach sensitivity, mouth pain/sensitivity (I can't go near spicy food anymore!), heartburn & just some general aches and pains. That list sounds pretty bad but it's all manageable. The good thing is there are meds for every side effect except the fatigue. All I can do for that is rest & also stay as active as possible. 

Some of you have asked me what my chemo schedule is. In all its glory:

Treatment #2 - 4/15

Treatment #3 - 5/6

Treatment #4 - 5/27

Treatment #5 - 6/17

Treatment #6 - 7/8 (woohoo!)

I have an appointment on Thursday to meet with a woman about a wig. LOL, that sounds fake. "I'm here to meet with the guy about a thing." I can honestly say that I've never had to put "Wig Appt" on my calendar before. First time for everything! I'll likely lose my hair within the next two weeks and the minute it starts to fall out, Matt is pulling out the clippers and shaving it off. I hope he's been honing his skills. I'm mentally preparing for that day but I imagine it will still be quite emotional. I hope I'm brave enough to rock a bald head in public but I don't know if I will be. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I'll have a really great wig and a large hat collection. 

xo,

Ali

Chemo: Round 1

I did it! I made it through the first round of chemo. People keep asking me what it was like ... Could I feel it going in? Did it feel weird? Did I immediately feel sick? The answer to all of those is, "no!". To be honest, it was pretty boring and uneventful. Matt and I go there about 11:15am and met with one of the nurses. She talked with us about what the day would look like, possible side effects over the next couple of days, etc. 

A little before noon, I got all hooked up to the machine. They literally plugged it into my port, it was pretty wild. The first thing they gave me through the IV was some anti nausea meds, followed by chemo #1, herceptin, perjeta & then chemo #2. They all took different amounts of time to flow through. The herceptin & perjeta were the longest, each taking about 90 mins. The others varied from about 30 - 60 mins. Once one of the meds was done, the machine would beep really loudly 5-6 times and the nurse would come in, hook up the next bag and we'd be on our way. 

I had a private room, which was nice and the chair I was sitting in reclined all the way back so I could lay flat if I wanted to. Matt hung out with me the whole time - we ate lunch, he did some work, we listened to music (thanks to an amazing chemo playlist by Carrie), I tried to read and just generally relax. The last thing of the day was to get a shot of a medication that will basically shut down my ovaries as I go through chemo. The hopes is that if this medication shuts them down before the chemo gets to them, it will help my fertility in the future. Kent babies! 

All in all, the day wasn't anything crazy but I left feeling pretty exhausted, mentally & emotionally. I had plans to go to dinner and a movie with friends that night and I had to back out. As I texted them that I was flaking on our plans, I cried. I felt like I was letting them down. It was the first time I didn't do something that I really wanted to because of the cancer. Cancer won yesterday and it made me sad. But it also made me realize that I need to listen to my body and take time for myself when I need it. Matt and I ordered dinner in & watched a movie on the couch, where I fell asleep. Shocking to anyone who knows me well :) 

I woke up today feeling pretty good! I was a little more tired than normal and my stomach felt kind of iffy off and on but overall, things were good! From what my docs tell me, this next week will be when my fatigue gets worse and then I should have two pretty good weeks before my next treatment. I should have more good days than bad and I'll just learn to take the bad ones in stride. Gotta do what you gotta do. I'm sure chemo is about to teach me so much about myself that I never thought I'd know. 

Just keep swimming.

xo,

Ali